Deciding to have a second child is joyful and downright SCARY! How do you suddenly share the love you have given wholly to your first child with another? Can you? What if you don’t connect with the new baby as you did your first? Speaking as a person who cried when she got a second cat in college because I thought the first one felt unloved as a result, making the decision on whether to have another child or not was a difficult one.
Today a person on my mommy board shared a writing that she had found when struggling with being pregnant with her second child. I thought I would pass it along too, as it is too beautiful not to share.
‘As I walk along holding your 3-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” Knowing in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her– as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are setting into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the look between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply. I love you — both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. ‘
So, apparently love is not divided, but multiplied by another child. I guess you can’t fully grasp it until you live it though. Hopefully one day, I’ll find out for myself.
KidsHealth has a wonderful article on the birth of a second child, which includes what to expect, how to help your first child adjust, and coping tips. http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/second_child.html
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Thank you for sharing that Laura Jane. My struggle to adapt to life with 2 has been far more challenging than I ever anticipated. I went through every one of those emotions and feel I could have written the exact same thing (although probably not as clearly & poetically).